My son asked me yesterday , "Amma , Do you know which God is the most powerful?"
I smiled and said , " I dont know who is the most powerful. But I like Ganesha because he listens to my prayers . He is the God who blesses people with the intelligence they need and also helps in clearing obstacles. He is cute in his appearance. Another thing is that he loves food too . Me too a food lover. So, I like him"
My son," Amma , what are you saying ? Vishnu is the most powerful".
I : Is it so ? I dont know..I dont even know how many gods exist. In our Hindu religion, there are so many Gods starting from Brahma , Vishnu , Siva , then the 10 avatars of Vishnu , sons of Siva - Ganesha , Subrahmanian , Ayappan , then all the Goddesses like Lakshmi , Parvathi , Saraswathi and so on and so on..
For Christians, Jesus is the God and Muslims "Allah"
But Appu I really dont know whether we have so many Gods . I dont know. If they exist , where are they ? I dont know "
Appu : You dont even know where Gods are. They are in the sky.
I : Oh , is it ? What are they doing there ? ( I said in the mind : Oh God , I am not a atheist. I dont know what I am talking . Please forgive me ....continued) ......Where do they live there in the sky ?
My son : I dont know. You tell..
I : Even I dont know.. It is believed that Gods are omnipresent. I mean , they exist every where. In this pillar , air , sand every where in any form..Now if you ask me whether they exist. I dont know. But one thing ---
Appu : What is it ?
I : Gods do not have existence if human beings or life does not exist on this earth.
Appu : Why ? What are you saying Amma?
I : Gods cannot exist without human beings. If there is no life on earth , who will Pray to God ? What will the God control ? He will be out of his job. Now , Gods say that they created human beings . May be , for their existence..( God , please forgive me once again ..I sometimes dont know what I say ). So , it is like nature's balance. Animals and Plants depend on each other. Same way , Gods and human beings depend on each other.
Appu was listening to me carefully with mixed expressions on his face.
I : Appu , has somebody seen God ? May be you feel god. Like the way you feel air , but don't see it. Like I sometimes feel that Ganesha listens to my prayers.. ( Yes , he does , Okay ? )
Appu : Amma , but is there a God ? You tell me clearly.
I : Appu , I wish if God were there. But if he is there , why so many people and children are struggling on earth ? I dont know..
But I also dont know how we will survive if we did not have water , air and sunlight on this earth..So , somebody knew that we need all these.. Somebody knew that earth needs to rotate for us to have days and nights. Somebody knew that we need oxygen in the air to survive. Somebody knew that we need eyes to see, ears to hear , legs to walk.....I used to wonder when I was carrying you why it should take 9 months to deliver a matured baby ? Why cant it be 7 months for the baby to be matured ? Or why cant it be 11 months ? Who decides this ? So , someone has programmed this period so accurately. Who is that Genius ? I dont know..
Appu : Amma , do you know how the earth was created. It is all because of big bang. My miss told that one day earth will be destroyed by a meteor colliding on earth. Is it so?
I smiled and said : Yes. Scientists believe that earth was created like that.. But no one knows clearly.
Appu : Will the earth be fully destroyed one day ?
I : Dont know..May not..
Appu : Okay tell me now whether God is there or not.
I : Dont know. But one thing for sure.. God listens to my prayers. I prayed so much when I was carrying you to have a boy baby.
( Until my marriage , I probably had more liking for girl children. Probably because most of my aunts were having girl children. After the trauma of my marriage , I felt that I should have a boy baby because I realised that it is a pain to be born as a girl. I did not want my child to go through the trauma of a failed marriage like mine. So , I used to pray whole heartedly to God to bless me with a baby boy. Those days , I used to chant "Lalitha Sahasranamam " every day. I used to dream about how my baby will look. I had a very clear picture too about how he will look. )
God blessed me with a cute son, you..And you know , when you were born , you were looking exactly the same as the baby boy I had in my mind.
Appu : So, amma , do you say God exist ?
I : Dont know..But there are somethings I cant explain..There are so many things in this world which none of us can explain though we claim that we know so many things. There is mention of "pushpaka vimana" in ramayana when we claim that Wright brothers inveneted plane. There is a mention of Nava grahas in Indian Astrology many many years ago.How was this known so early that we have nine planets ?
Appu : Amma , Enough , enough..I am going down to play..
I might have looked like an atheist in the beginning and a strong beliver in the end. You might have also felt that I tried to confuse my child. I shared with him my thoughts. He is much more rational and intelligent than me..So I thought of sharing my thoughts for him to think over.
Now who am I ? An athiest or a believer ? I do believe. I need someone to talk to , some one to support me and someone good and nice at heart who listens to my (everybody's )grievances..That is my definition of God. I believe in doing good things and helping the needy . We need to have an element of goodness or God to behave and act in good ways. Believing in god is same as believing and doing things which are for the goodness of man kind..
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Women of The Year 2008
10 year old Nujood Ali and her attorney Shada Nasser from Yemen shared the bright lights with such luminaries as Sen. Hillary Clinton, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and movie star Nicole Kidman in the big city of New York , as winners of Glamour magazine's 2008 Women of the Year award.
Nujood was married off earlier this year to a man three times her age. He sexually assaulted and physically abused her. But unlike other child brides in Yemen, she didn't suffer silently.
Poverty often leads to child marriage since a typical Yemeni earns about $900 a year, and marrying off girls means fewer mouths to feed. Then there is a question of honor. One of Nujood’s sisters had been raped, another kidnapped. When her father heard the kidnapper was eyeing Nujood, he thought marriage would save her. Instead, she says, she was beaten by in-laws, and nights were a hellish game of tag, with Nujood running from room to room to escape sex with her husband; he raped her anyway.
Nujood begged for help. “I was sad and angry,” her mother, Shuaieh, says, “but I still felt [her marriage] was the thing to do.” It was Nujood’s “auntie”—her father’s other wife, a beggar who lives in one room with her five children—who told the girl she might look for justice in court
Two months after her wedding, Nujood returned to her family’s house . When her parents left for the day, Nujood did something virtually unheard-of in Yemen: She went out by herself and took a bus and a taxi to Sana’a’s main court. All morning she waited, until a judge saw her sitting there. “I want a divorce,” Nujood told him. The story of Nujood’s audacity spread to Shada Nasser, a human rights lawyer. “I didn’t believe it,” she says. She asked why the girl needed a divorce. Nujood’s reply: “I hate the night.” Nasser agreed to take the case free of charge. “But you must smile,” she said, “and you must trust me.”
Nassser helped her get a divorce in what is widely considered the first such incident of its kind.
Nujood's ordeal, triumph and her eventual return to some semblance of normalcy as a schoolgirl were chronicled in the Los Angeles Times.
The pair were also featured in the November issue of Glamour magazine and have become cornerstones of a charity drive to raise funds to fight child marriage.
I am inspired by Nujood Ali ! I wish her all the success in life !
Nujood was married off earlier this year to a man three times her age. He sexually assaulted and physically abused her. But unlike other child brides in Yemen, she didn't suffer silently.
Poverty often leads to child marriage since a typical Yemeni earns about $900 a year, and marrying off girls means fewer mouths to feed. Then there is a question of honor. One of Nujood’s sisters had been raped, another kidnapped. When her father heard the kidnapper was eyeing Nujood, he thought marriage would save her. Instead, she says, she was beaten by in-laws, and nights were a hellish game of tag, with Nujood running from room to room to escape sex with her husband; he raped her anyway.
Nujood begged for help. “I was sad and angry,” her mother, Shuaieh, says, “but I still felt [her marriage] was the thing to do.” It was Nujood’s “auntie”—her father’s other wife, a beggar who lives in one room with her five children—who told the girl she might look for justice in court
Two months after her wedding, Nujood returned to her family’s house . When her parents left for the day, Nujood did something virtually unheard-of in Yemen: She went out by herself and took a bus and a taxi to Sana’a’s main court. All morning she waited, until a judge saw her sitting there. “I want a divorce,” Nujood told him. The story of Nujood’s audacity spread to Shada Nasser, a human rights lawyer. “I didn’t believe it,” she says. She asked why the girl needed a divorce. Nujood’s reply: “I hate the night.” Nasser agreed to take the case free of charge. “But you must smile,” she said, “and you must trust me.”
Nassser helped her get a divorce in what is widely considered the first such incident of its kind.
Nujood's ordeal, triumph and her eventual return to some semblance of normalcy as a schoolgirl were chronicled in the Los Angeles Times.
The pair were also featured in the November issue of Glamour magazine and have become cornerstones of a charity drive to raise funds to fight child marriage.
I am inspired by Nujood Ali ! I wish her all the success in life !
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Believe it or not
Recently I happened to watch the 'Viswasichalum Illenkilum" show in Asianet. It was all about the ghost of a lady being present in the Universty College Campus at Karyavattam , Trivandrum. The people who got interviewed as part of this confirmed that they had seen the spirit. The psychology professor the channel interviewed also confirms the presence of some thing unknown to us. Ridiculous ! How can such a popular channel promote such blind beliefs ?
Many a times , when I see the films centered on lady ghosts , I used to wonder why all these ghosts are of ladies ? Any film you take , only lady gets portrayed as ghost. And the other interesting thing is , they get into the bodies of only ladies and not men.
I remember an incident which happened during the first year of my first job. I was living in a working women's hostel at that time .
One night , around 10 PM , I happened to go to the next room and I saw a big crowd inside the room . Just wondered why ? They all were sitting infront of the Ouija board .
For those of you who dont know , an Ouija board is a board which has english alphabets , numbers ( 0 to 9 ) and "Yes, No" printed on it . This is used to communicate to spirits. The planchette ( a 3 legged device which is used for movement on this board) or a coin is used for moving from one alphabet to another alphabet. The team using this board would keep their forefingers on the coin , invite a spirit , once the spirit gets inside the coin , the coin would move. Then the team can ask questions to the spirit. The spirit in the coin would start moving by itself from alphabet to alphabet depending on his/her answers..In short the spirit spell the answers.
I just could not believe how the coin moves from alphabet to alphabet. Sometimes , the movement was so fast that my friends holding the coin were finding it difficult to still have the grip on the coin. After the team finished all the questions , then it was farewell time. The coin moved out of the board by itself indicating that the spirit had gone.
Initially , I was very very scared about the whole thing .After seeing this Planchette game for 2- 3 days , it gave me the courage to be part of the team to call the spirit. I was n't married at that time. Every girl was interested to know the name of the guy whom they would marry. The spirit invited like this once ,told me that I would marry a guy called "Vikas".
I became more friendly with spirits . I used to tell my friends in office about this game. I even told my cousins about it . My cousins and I played this oncewhen all of us were there in our "Tharavadu". After playing this game twice or thrice at my "Tharavadu" , I realised that the answers had some thing to do with my presence. I was ofcourse not moving the coin. That I was sure. But , the answers were probably those which I had in mind or in some cases my wishes or dreams what ever. But the force is ofcourse not my physical force. I could realise that it is probably my mind which could move this coin. Some power which is there inside us which moves the coin..It is true.. The moment I realised this , I stopped playing this game. It could be dangerous to play with your mind.
I investigated a bit on this . According to scientists , this movement of the coin is due to
ideomotor effect. Now , what is Ideomotor effect ?
Thanks to Wikipedia ..I have just copied and pasted it here..
The ideomotor effect is a psychological phenomenon wherein a subject makes motions unconsciously. As in reflexive responses to pain, the body sometimes reacts reflexively to ideas alone without the person consciously deciding to take action. For instance, tears are produced by the body unconsciously in reaction to the emotion of sadness, usually without any intervention of conscious will.
Stage hypnotists exploit the ideomotor effect for entertainment value, convincing volunteers to perform some action without consciously deciding to do so. The volunteers usually have no memory of their performance, much like sleepwalkers who are unaware that they are acting on stimulus existing almost entirely in their own minds. More subtle unconscious physical reactions are often used by magicians and illusionists to perform "mind-reading" tricks
So do we still have to continue to promote and propagate such blind beliefs ??
Many a times , when I see the films centered on lady ghosts , I used to wonder why all these ghosts are of ladies ? Any film you take , only lady gets portrayed as ghost. And the other interesting thing is , they get into the bodies of only ladies and not men.
I remember an incident which happened during the first year of my first job. I was living in a working women's hostel at that time .
One night , around 10 PM , I happened to go to the next room and I saw a big crowd inside the room . Just wondered why ? They all were sitting infront of the Ouija board .
For those of you who dont know , an Ouija board is a board which has english alphabets , numbers ( 0 to 9 ) and "Yes, No" printed on it . This is used to communicate to spirits. The planchette ( a 3 legged device which is used for movement on this board) or a coin is used for moving from one alphabet to another alphabet. The team using this board would keep their forefingers on the coin , invite a spirit , once the spirit gets inside the coin , the coin would move. Then the team can ask questions to the spirit. The spirit in the coin would start moving by itself from alphabet to alphabet depending on his/her answers..In short the spirit spell the answers.
I just could not believe how the coin moves from alphabet to alphabet. Sometimes , the movement was so fast that my friends holding the coin were finding it difficult to still have the grip on the coin. After the team finished all the questions , then it was farewell time. The coin moved out of the board by itself indicating that the spirit had gone.
Initially , I was very very scared about the whole thing .After seeing this Planchette game for 2- 3 days , it gave me the courage to be part of the team to call the spirit. I was n't married at that time. Every girl was interested to know the name of the guy whom they would marry. The spirit invited like this once ,told me that I would marry a guy called "Vikas".
I became more friendly with spirits . I used to tell my friends in office about this game. I even told my cousins about it . My cousins and I played this oncewhen all of us were there in our "Tharavadu". After playing this game twice or thrice at my "Tharavadu" , I realised that the answers had some thing to do with my presence. I was ofcourse not moving the coin. That I was sure. But , the answers were probably those which I had in mind or in some cases my wishes or dreams what ever. But the force is ofcourse not my physical force. I could realise that it is probably my mind which could move this coin. Some power which is there inside us which moves the coin..It is true.. The moment I realised this , I stopped playing this game. It could be dangerous to play with your mind.
I investigated a bit on this . According to scientists , this movement of the coin is due to
ideomotor effect. Now , what is Ideomotor effect ?
Thanks to Wikipedia ..I have just copied and pasted it here..
The ideomotor effect is a psychological phenomenon wherein a subject makes motions unconsciously. As in reflexive responses to pain, the body sometimes reacts reflexively to ideas alone without the person consciously deciding to take action. For instance, tears are produced by the body unconsciously in reaction to the emotion of sadness, usually without any intervention of conscious will.
Stage hypnotists exploit the ideomotor effect for entertainment value, convincing volunteers to perform some action without consciously deciding to do so. The volunteers usually have no memory of their performance, much like sleepwalkers who are unaware that they are acting on stimulus existing almost entirely in their own minds. More subtle unconscious physical reactions are often used by magicians and illusionists to perform "mind-reading" tricks
So do we still have to continue to promote and propagate such blind beliefs ??
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Na sthree swathanthryam arhathi
As a woman currently settled in God's own country , many a times , I have asked this question to myself..Are the women in Kerala treated with respect here , specially in this advanced era ? The answer is "NO". But is it so in other states ? Again the answer is "no". But , may be a bit better in cosmopolitan cities.
When I made the decision to move from Garden city to God's own country , my friend asked me ,"Do you feel that you are going to be comfortable there ? Do you think that a divorcee can live there peacefully ?"
I said ,"Dont know . But I will manage." I had my own reasons for relocation.
I was looking out for an apartment for rent. As usual , I have to manage everything myself. When I go alone to landlord to enquire about the house , they just cant digest how a lady can come alone and take a house on rent. The situation is the same , be it Bangalore or Kerala. If I say that I am a divorcee , at least some may have second thought to let out the house to me. So , I always used to say that my husband lives abroad and hence my son and I live with my parents. It may not be possible all the time to take my parents too to see the houses. So , when ever I find a house of my liking , I take parents and son there to show them the house. Then the landlord gets convinced. Look at the pain of a divorcee..Even after divorce , she cant tell that she is a divorcee. And I have to tell that he is NRI and that leads to more trouble because they think I am damn rich and ask for more rent..
My son always used to get confused as he does not know what to say when someone asks him about his father. When I was in Bangalore , the lady in the neighbouring apartment was very curious to know when this NRI husband will land in Bangalore. I normally say ," a year later". At least , for a year , people should not pester me. 6 months later , the lady repeated the question when we met in the corridor of my apartment building . My son , 6 years old then , was also there with me when I said ,"yes , he will come in March". My son smiled and said ,"Aunty , No he wont come. He has never visited us ". I was shocked at his response , tried to put up a smile and then said,"he is just kidding" and some how managed to rush back to my apartment. After I reached home , I told my son , " You should never say like this infront of others. Yes, Amma said lie. But here people dont understand our pain. So , we need to pretend that your father visits us." He understood and promised that he would not repeat the same.
When I made the decision to move from Garden city to God's own country , my friend asked me ,"Do you feel that you are going to be comfortable there ? Do you think that a divorcee can live there peacefully ?"
I said ,"Dont know . But I will manage." I had my own reasons for relocation.
I was looking out for an apartment for rent. As usual , I have to manage everything myself. When I go alone to landlord to enquire about the house , they just cant digest how a lady can come alone and take a house on rent. The situation is the same , be it Bangalore or Kerala. If I say that I am a divorcee , at least some may have second thought to let out the house to me. So , I always used to say that my husband lives abroad and hence my son and I live with my parents. It may not be possible all the time to take my parents too to see the houses. So , when ever I find a house of my liking , I take parents and son there to show them the house. Then the landlord gets convinced. Look at the pain of a divorcee..Even after divorce , she cant tell that she is a divorcee. And I have to tell that he is NRI and that leads to more trouble because they think I am damn rich and ask for more rent..
My son always used to get confused as he does not know what to say when someone asks him about his father. When I was in Bangalore , the lady in the neighbouring apartment was very curious to know when this NRI husband will land in Bangalore. I normally say ," a year later". At least , for a year , people should not pester me. 6 months later , the lady repeated the question when we met in the corridor of my apartment building . My son , 6 years old then , was also there with me when I said ,"yes , he will come in March". My son smiled and said ,"Aunty , No he wont come. He has never visited us ". I was shocked at his response , tried to put up a smile and then said,"he is just kidding" and some how managed to rush back to my apartment. After I reached home , I told my son , " You should never say like this infront of others. Yes, Amma said lie. But here people dont understand our pain. So , we need to pretend that your father visits us." He understood and promised that he would not repeat the same.
I actually did not want to confuse my child. So when I moved to God's own country , I did not want to tell the same NRI story. I approached the caretaker of an apartment complex to find out whether any apartment is available for rent. I had taken my mother and son too with me for house hunting. He asked me where my husband is. I said ," I am a divorcee". My mother looked at me . I said ,' It is okay". The caretaker did not say anything. He talked to the flat owner and arrnaged house for me. The next day , meeting also was scheduled with the flat owner. Before I left , the caretaker told me ," Madam , dont mistake me. Please do not tell that you are a divorcee. Tell them that your husband is in Dubai. People may not understand sometimes." I smiled and said "no issues".
Now,some people in the other apartments want to know when my NRI husband would come back and why I am not going there..I just dont care. My son keeps getting confused about what to say and what not to say..I said ,"Just dont care. You tell that you dont know and amma only knows".Sometimes I feel that it could have better if I said I am a widow because people are so averse to the word "divorcee".
In the school at Kochi , I told once to his class teacher the fact that I am a divorcee. One day during our conversation my son opened his heart and told me that his teacher told to all the students in the class that he does not have father. His lips were trembling and eyes were filled with tears. I realised that the wetness is spreading to my eyes too. i consoled my son and said," Just dont care. Though your father does not live with us , there is God with us always . So dont worry."I did not know why she did that.By the time , it was end of academic year ..So I did not probe..
Life has been tough after I moved to God's own country for various reason..Many times I felt like moving back to Bangalore. Many a times , I cursed myself for moving here..But I am managing..It is a matter of survival. I
I dont think that the society needs to be considerate towards ladies..At least allow them to live..
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
എന്റെ ബാല്യ കാലം
രണ്ടു ദിവസം മുന്പ് രാത്രി ഒന്പതര മണിയുടെ ശ്രീകൃഷ്ണ ലീലകള് എന്ന സീരിയല് കണ്ടു കൊണ്ടിരിക്കുകയായിരുന്നു. ദുര്മരണം സംഭവിച്ച ഒരു അന്തര്ജനത്തിന്റെ പ്രേതം ഒരു ചെറിയ പെണ്കുട്ടിയില് കടന്നു കൂടിയ ഒരു കഥയാണ് അന്ന് സീരിയലില് കാണിച്ചിരുന്നത്. പെണ്കുട്ടി വളരെ നന്നായി അഭിനയച്ച്ചിരിക്കുന്നു. ആ കഥ എന്നെ കൂട്ടികൊണ്ടുപോയത് എന്റെ ബാല്യകാലത്തിലെക്കാണ്.
എന്റെ അമ്മമ്മയുടെ അച്ഛന് (മുതുമുത്തശന് ) ഭട്ടതരിപ്പാട് ( നമ്പൂതിരിമാരില് തന്നെ ശ്രേഷ്ഠം ആയ ഒരു വിഭാഗം )ആയിരുന്നു.ഞാന് മുത്തശന് എന്ന് തന്നെ ആണ് വിളിച്ചിരുന്നത്. സൂര്യ നമസ്കാരവും സന്ധ്യ വന്ദനവും പൂജകളും മുടങ്ങാതെ ചെയ്തിരുന്നു മുത്തശ്സന്. എനിക്ക് അന്ന് ഏഴ് എട്ടു വയസ്സ് പ്രായം .ഞങ്ങള് അന്ന് തറവാട്ടില് ആണ് താമസിച്ചിരുന്നത്.
വീട്ടു വളപ്പിനോട് ചേര്ന്ന് ഒരു വലിയ സര്പ്പക്കാവ് . സര്പ്പക്കാവില് ഒരു പാട് പ്രായം ആയ ഒരു വലിയ ആല് മരം. പല തരത്തിലും ഉള്ള ഒരു പാട് പക്ഷികള് അതില് കൂട് കൂട്ടി താമസിച്ചിരുന്നു. രാര്ത്രിയയാല് കാലന് കോഴിയും മൂങ്ങയും മൂളുന്ന ശബ്ദം കേള്ക്കാം . തൊടിയില് രണ്ടു കിണര് , ഒരു കുളം . കുളം മുത്തശന് തേവാരത്തിനു ( കുളി ) ഉള്ളതാണ്. രണ്ടു കിണര് എന്ത് കൊണ്ടെന്നാല് ഒന്ന് മുത്തച്ഛനും ഒന്ന് ഞങ്ങള്ക്കും.
മുത്തശന് ഞങ്ങളുടെ വീട്ടില് സംബധം ചെയ്തതാണ്. അന്ന് നമ്പൂതിരിമാര് അമ്പലവാസികളുടെ വീട്ടില് സംബധം ചെയ്യുകയാണ് പതിവ്. നമ്പൂതിരി കുടുംബത്തില് മൂത്ത ആള്ക്ക് മാത്രമേ വേളി കഴിക്കാന് പാടുള്ളൂ. അങ്ങിനെ മുതു മുത്തശ്സന് അമ്പലവാസിയും (അമ്പലത്തില്കഴകം ചെയ്തു ജീവിക്കുന്നവര്. വാരിയര് , പിഷാരടി , നമ്പീശന് എല്ലാം ഇതില് പെടും ) സുന്ദരിയും ആയ എന്റെ മുത്ത്മുത്തശ്ശിയെ സന്ബധം ചെയ്തതാണ്. മുതു മുത്തശ്ശിയെ ഞാന് കണ്ടിട്ടില്ല. അവര് ഞാന് ജനിക്കുന്നതിനു മുമ്പേ മരിച്ചു .
മുത്തശ്സന് ഭാട്ടതരിപ്പാട് ആയതു കൊണ്ട്, അമബലവാസികള് ആയ ഞങ്ങളെ തൊടില്ല . അതുകൊണ്ട് ആണ് രണ്ടു കിണര്. മുത്ത് മുത്തശ്ശിയെ തൊട്ടതു കൊണ്ടല്ലേ ഈ കാണുന്ന തലമുറ മുഴുവന് ഉണ്ടായത് എന്നൊക്കെ ആര്ക്കും ചോദിക്കാം .ഞാനും പിന്നീട് അറിവ് വെച്ചപ്പോള് ചോദിച്ചിരുന്നു. പക്ഷെ അന്ന് അങ്ങിനെയുള്ള ചോദ്യങ്ങള്ക്കൊന്നും പ്രസക്തി ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നില്ല. അന്ന് അങ്ങിനെ ഒക്കെ ആയിരുന്നത്രെ .
വീട് തന്നെ ഇല്ലം , വാരിയം എന്ന് രണ്ടായി തിരിച്ചിട്ട് ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു. പടികള് ഇറങ്ങി ചെന്നു കയറുന്നത് വാരിയതെക്കാണ് . അതിന് അപ്പുറം ഇല്ലം ആണ് . രണ്ടിനും ഇടയ്ക്ക് ഒരു ഇടനാഴി ഉണ്ട് . വാരിയതിന്റെ നിലത്തിന്റെ നിറം ചുവപ്പാണ് . ഇല്ലത്തിന്റെ നിലം കറുപ്പും. ഇല്ലത്തേക്ക് ഞങ്ങള് ആരും മുതസ്സന്റെ അനുവാദം ഇല്ലാതെ പ്രവേശിക്കാറില്ല .
മുത്തശ്സന് പാവം ആയിരുന്നു. ഞങ്ങളെ തൊടില്ല എന്ന് മാത്രമേ ഉള്ളൂ. മുത്തച്ചന് പൂജകള് എല്ലാം അറിയാമായിരുന്നത് കൊണ്ട് ചരടും ഏലസ്സും ഒക്കെ ജപിച്ചു കെട്ടുവാന് ആയി പലരും വരാറുണ്ട്.
ഞാന് അന്ന് രണ്ടിലോ മൂന്നില്ലോ പഠിക്കുന്നു. സന്ധ്യ സമയത്ത് ഞങ്ങള് കുട്ടികളെ ( ഞാനും ഏട്ടനും ) മുത്തശ്സന് വിളിച്ചു പൂജ മുറിയില് ഇരുത്തും. നാമം ജപിക്കാനാണ്. "ശിവ നാരായണ ഭഗവതി ശരണം " എന്ന് നൂറ്റി ഒന്നു പ്രാവശ്യം ജപിക്കണം. ഒന്ന് "ശിവ നാരായണ ഭഗവതി ശരണം ", രണ്ടു "ശിവ നാരായണ ...", മൂന്നു "ശിവ ...", ന്നു നൂറ്റൊന്നു പ്രാവശ്യം . പിന്നെ മുത്തച്ഛന് ചൊല്ലി തരുന്ന ഭജനകള് ഞങ്ങള് പാടണം. ചുരുങിയത് ഒരു മുക്കാല് മണിക്കൂര് എടുക്കും നാമം ജപം തീരാന്.
അങ്ങിനെ ഒരു ദിവസം ഞങ്ങള് കുട്ടികളെ വിളിചിരുതുന്നു. ഞങ്ങള് ശിവ നാരയണ ഭഗവതി ശരണം ജപിക്കാന് തുടങ്ങുന്നു. എങ്ങിനെ എന്കിലും ഇതൊന്നു കഴിഞ്ഞു കളിയ്ക്കാന് പോയാല് മതി എന്ന് ആണ് ഒരു വയസ്സിനു മൂത്ത എന്റെ ഏട്ടന്റെ വിചാരം.
ഒന്ന് , രണ്ടു എന്നിങനെ നാമം ജപം മുന്നോട്ടു പോവുകയാണ്. അമ്പതു ശിവനാരായണ ഭഗവതി ശരണം. പെട്ടെന്ന് ഏട്ടന് ചൊല്ലുന്നു . എണ്പത്തിഒന്ന് ശിവ നാരായണ ഭഗവതി ശരണം. അമ്പതു കഴിഞ്ഞു എന്പതി ഒന്നോ എന്ന് കരുതി ഞാന് നോക്കുന്നു. പുള്ളി എന്നെ നോക്കി ചിരിച്ചു തുടരുന്നു. എന്പതി രണ്ടു "ശിവ നാരായണ ഭഗവതി ശരണം ". ഞാന് അന്നും ഇന്നും ഹരിസ്ച്ചന്ദ്രന്റെ പിന്ഗാമി ആണ്. ഞാന് അമ്പത്തി രണ്ടു , അമ്പത്തി മൂന്ന് അങ്ങിനെ ചൊല്ലി നീങ്ങുന്നു. ഏട്ടന് ആക്കട്ടെ എന്പതി ഒന്ന് എന്പതി രണ്ടു എന്ന് കുറച്ചു കൂടെ ഉറക്കി ചൊല്ലി മുന്നേറുകയാണ്.മുത്തശ്സന് ശരിക്കും കേട്ടോട്ടെ എന്ന് കരുതി . മുത്തശ്സന് പൂജ സാമഗ്രികള് ഒരുക്കുക്ക് ആണ്. അപ്പൊഴാണ് മുത്തശ്സന് ആ പൊരുത്തക്കേട് ശ്രദ്ധിച്ചത്. രണ്ടാളും ഒരുമിച്ചു നാമം ചൊല്ലാന് ഇരുന്നതാണ്.
"എന്താ ഇത് ഗുരുവായൂരപ്പാ നീ ഇത്ര പെട്ടെന്ന് നാമം ചൊല്ലി തീരാരായ്യോ ? "
മുത്തശ്സന് എന്നെ ഭഗവതി എന്നും ഏട്ടനെ ഗുരുവായൂരപ്പന് എന്നും ആണ് വിളിച്ചിരുന്നത്. ഞങ്ങളുടെ പേരുകള് എത്ര പറഞ്ഞാലും അദ്ദേഹത്തിന് മനസ്സിലായിരുന്നില്ല എന്നാണ് ഞങ്ങളോട് പറയാറുള്ളത്. അതുകൊണ്ട് അദ്ദേഹത്തിന് ഇഷ്ടം ഉള്ള പേരുകള് "ഭഗവതി , ഗുരുവായൂരപ്പന് " എന്ന് ആണ് ഞങ്ങളെ വിളിച്ചിരുന്നത്.
ഏട്ടന് " അതെ മുത്തച്ച. തീരാറായി എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു പൂര്വാധികം ഒച്ചത്തില് നാമ ജപം തുടര്ന്ന് ."
മുതസന് " ഭഗവതി ഇപ്പോഴും അന്പത്തി എട്ടില് ആണല്ലോ. എഭിയന് എന്നെ പറ്റിക്കാന് നോക്കാന് അല്ലെ. ആദ്യം തൊട്ടു ജപിക്കാ "
ഏട്ടന് എന്നെ ഒരു കൂര്ത്ത നോട്ടം നോക്കി വീണ്ടും തുടങ്ങി ഒന്നില് നിന്ന്.
പിന്നീട് ഏട്ടന് ഈ സൂത്രം പ്രയോഗിച്ചിട്ടില്ല. പക്ഷെ മുതസ്സന് സംശയം വന്നു പല പ്രാവശ്യം വീണ്ടും ചൊല്ലിച്ചിട്ടുണ്ട്. അദ്ദേഹത്തിന് ചെവി അല്പം കേള്വി കുറവായിരുന്നു. അന്ന് മുതസ്സന് എന്പതി മൂന്നു വയസ്സ് ആണ് പ്രായം. ഞങ്ങള് കുട്ടികള് പറ്റിക്കുന്നു എന്ന് അദ്ദേഹത്തിന് തോന്നിയിട്ടുണ്ടാകും.
ഭഗവതി ,ഗുരുവായൂരപ്പന് എന്നി പേരുകള് ഔട്ട് ഓഫ് ഫാഷന് ആയതു കൊണ്ട് ഞങ്ങള് രണ്ടു പേരും ഒരു ദിവസം മുതശനെ ഞങ്ങളുടെ പേരുകള് പഠിപ്പിക്കാന് തന്നെ തീരുമാനിച്ചു.
തുടരും . ..
Monday, July 7, 2008
My heart aches..My heart bleeds...
Today's (7th Jul 08) newspapers have reported the tragic death of 2 workers while working at a construction site in Kakkanad , Kerala.
http://www.thehindu.com/2008/07/07/stories/2008070757980300.htm
And to add to the shock , this is the second such incident happening at the construction premises of the same builder..
Who is bothered about the death of these poor workers ? Most of them are from outside Kerala. This must be at least a 5th such incident I have read in newspapers.
Each time I read such news , my heart aches...
Which party or which union would raise voice for protecting these unfortunate who toil in such unsafe working environments just to eat twice ( or thrice ??)a day. I am sure that their wages also must be very low compared to the workers in Kerala.
I realise that I live in heaven when I read such news..All my problems are nothing..
It was my dream or ambition when I was a teenager to work for the society when I grow up .But ,today I need to work for the whole day to earn a decent livelihood for my family. Where is the time for social work ?
I wait for the day when I could spare some time for the less fortunate..May be , my son has to grow up a bit more to take care of himself..
My heart aches..my heart bleeds..
http://www.thehindu.com/2008/07/07/stories/2008070757980300.htm
And to add to the shock , this is the second such incident happening at the construction premises of the same builder..
Who is bothered about the death of these poor workers ? Most of them are from outside Kerala. This must be at least a 5th such incident I have read in newspapers.
Each time I read such news , my heart aches...
Which party or which union would raise voice for protecting these unfortunate who toil in such unsafe working environments just to eat twice ( or thrice ??)a day. I am sure that their wages also must be very low compared to the workers in Kerala.
I realise that I live in heaven when I read such news..All my problems are nothing..
It was my dream or ambition when I was a teenager to work for the society when I grow up .But ,today I need to work for the whole day to earn a decent livelihood for my family. Where is the time for social work ?
I wait for the day when I could spare some time for the less fortunate..May be , my son has to grow up a bit more to take care of himself..
My heart aches..my heart bleeds..
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
How do cockroaches walk up the wall?
How do cockroaches walk up the wall?
Each fly foot has two fat footpads that give the insect plenty of surface area with which to cling. The adhesive pads on the feet, called pulvilli, come equipped with tiny hairs that have spatula-like tips. These hairs are called setae
Sticky proof
I was watching TV when my son asked this question to me.
I answered casually with my eyes still on TV ," With its legs"
My son : What are you saying Amma? Cant you listen to my question ?
I : Didnt I tell the answer? With its legs..
My son: You and I also have legs..Can we walk up the wall ?
I took my eyes off the TV and turned my attention completely to the 6 year old.
He was looking at me curiously for an answer. Then only it struck me what he wanted to know..
I : Well , now I understand your question..The cockroaches' legs are in such a way that it helps them grip the wall when they walk.
My son : But how ?
I did not have a clear answer.
I said : I would search the internet and get back to you.
I have pasted below one of the best answers I could get. Could be useful for parents to clear the doubts of their children..and even to enhance our own knowledge.
How do insects walk up walls without falling ?
Insects have small claws which can grip tiny bumps or ridges on the wall that we are often unable to see. In addition this, many insects have pads to help them grip walls and ceilings. Usually these pads are on the feet but they are sometimes found on other parts of the leg. The pads often secrete a substance that helps them to stick to surfaces (if you take a small piece of paper and lick it, you will find that the paper sticks to windows - this ability of certain liquids to stick to things is called adhesion). Many insects have hairs on their pads which will aid their grip. The hairs either help the insect grip to microscopic ridges or they make use of the secretions to adhere to surfaces. The pads on some flies contain more than 40,000 of these hairs and enable them to create adhesive forces several times as strong as their own weight.
Walking upside-down requires a careful balance of adhesion and weight, and specialized trekking tools to combat the constant tug of gravity.
Insects have small claws which can grip tiny bumps or ridges on the wall that we are often unable to see. In addition this, many insects have pads to help them grip walls and ceilings. Usually these pads are on the feet but they are sometimes found on other parts of the leg. The pads often secrete a substance that helps them to stick to surfaces (if you take a small piece of paper and lick it, you will find that the paper sticks to windows - this ability of certain liquids to stick to things is called adhesion). Many insects have hairs on their pads which will aid their grip. The hairs either help the insect grip to microscopic ridges or they make use of the secretions to adhere to surfaces. The pads on some flies contain more than 40,000 of these hairs and enable them to create adhesive forces several times as strong as their own weight.
Walking upside-down requires a careful balance of adhesion and weight, and specialized trekking tools to combat the constant tug of gravity.
Each fly foot has two fat footpads that give the insect plenty of surface area with which to cling. The adhesive pads on the feet, called pulvilli, come equipped with tiny hairs that have spatula-like tips. These hairs are called setae
Scientists once thought that the curved shape of the hairs suggested that flies used them to grip onto the ceiling. In fact, the hairs produce a glue-like substance made of sugars and oils.
Sticky proof
A research team from the German Max Planck Institute for Metals Research recently studied more than 300 species of wall-climbing insects and watched them all leave behind sticky footprints.
"There are over one million insect species," team leader Stanislav Gorb told LiveScience. "We suppose that all of them have the secretion, but it is difficult to be 100 percent sure."
Gorb presented the findings at the Annual Meeting of the Society for Experimental Biology in April.
Flies need sticky feet to walk on ceilings, but not so sticky that they get stuck upside down. So each foot comes with a pair of claws that help hoist the gooey foot off the wall.
Flies use several different techniques to get unstuck: pushing, twisting, and peeling its footpads free.
"Methods involving peeling are always the best, because they require less energy to break the contact," Gorb said.
The combination of the feet hairs' rounded tips, the oily fluid, and a four-feet-on-the-floor rule help the inverted insect take steps in the right direction.
"There are over one million insect species," team leader Stanislav Gorb told LiveScience. "We suppose that all of them have the secretion, but it is difficult to be 100 percent sure."
Gorb presented the findings at the Annual Meeting of the Society for Experimental Biology in April.
Flies need sticky feet to walk on ceilings, but not so sticky that they get stuck upside down. So each foot comes with a pair of claws that help hoist the gooey foot off the wall.
Flies use several different techniques to get unstuck: pushing, twisting, and peeling its footpads free.
"Methods involving peeling are always the best, because they require less energy to break the contact," Gorb said.
The combination of the feet hairs' rounded tips, the oily fluid, and a four-feet-on-the-floor rule help the inverted insect take steps in the right direction.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Let us be human
I happened to read about a road accident in the front page of today's ( 27th May 08) Malayalam News Paper Mathrubhumi .
Road accidents keep happening and you may be wondering why something special about this ?
Read on ...
The news goes like this. In Kottayam , a couple travelling by two wheeler were knocked down by a KSRTC bus. The man was thrown to one side , but survived with minor injuries where as the bus ran over his wife and she got severely injured. The man somehow managed to reach to the spot where his wife was lying on the road. He pleaded for help to the passengers of all the vehicles that passed by . But none bothered about taking them to hospital. Finally after waiting for half an hour , the police reached with ambulance and took them to hospital. The lady , 27 years old , died in the hospital. The man was discharged since he was having only minor injuries. The couple has a small boy. Can any one of us imagine how much that man would have cried and pleaded to take his wife to the hospital ? It is said that if she were rushed to the hospital immediately after the incident , the hospital people probably could have saved her life.
Why everybody who passed by hesitated to take the accident victims to hospital ? It may be , may be because that one cannot just come out after reaching the victim to the hospital. He/she may have to find out his relatives ,contact them , anwer the questions of the police etc etc. But , isnt it that human life is precious than anything else in this world ?
It reminded me about a group mail I received on the supreme court judgement "Right to Emergency ' . I have pasted the copy of mail below.
The Supreme Court in a judgement on Right to Emergency Care, case no Appeal (civil) 919 of 2007 of 23 Feb 2007, has ruled that all injured persons especially in the case of road traffic accidents, assaults, etc., when brought to a hospital or medical centre, have to be offered first aid, stabilized and shifted to a higher centre / government centre if required. It is only after this that the hospital can demand payment or complete police formalities.
In case you are a bystander and wish to help someone in an accident, please go ahead and do so. Your responsibility ends as soon as you leave the person at the hospital. The hospital bears the responsibility of informing the police, providing first aid, etc.
Please do inform your family and friends about these basic rights so that we all know what to expect and what to do in the hour of need.
I searched in google to know whether the judgement is correct. Even checked the website of supremcourt . Supreme court has not passed any judgement on this. It was nothing but a rumour.
I went on with my search in google to find out what the law says about such a situation. I could get two things.
1 . A bill passed by Rajyasabha ( http://rajyasabha.nic.in/bills-ls-rs/2006/LXXXIX_%202006.pdf )
Rajya sabha has passed this bill in Nov 2006 to provide for compulsory medical aid to the victims of accidents by private hospitals and medical practioners and for building confidence amongst the members of public to come forward and help the accident victims.
2. A circular whihc I got from the website of "Department of Road , Transport and Highways" of Govt of India. ( http://morth.nic.in/index2.asp?langid=2&sublinkid=119 )
I have copied and pasted below some of the points from the circular just to emphasize on it.
"It has come to notice that on many occasions, the victims of road side accidents remain unattended for a longer time without medical aid or any help from the members of public till the arrival of police at the spot. The members of the public though basically have got an indifferent attitude in such situations, but due to the unnecessary involvement in the accidental cases, they in turn hesitate to remove the injured to the hospitals to which results in the loss of human life and the image of the police fades in the eyes of the public.
2. Keeping in view the unnecessary loss of human life, it becomes imperative to train our police personnel undergoing training in various courses (induct ional and promotional) on the following lines. The police personnel on duty either in police stations or in the hospital should politely put the following questions to the person who brings the injured to the hospital.
(i) Where have you brought this person?
(ii) Do you know anything about the case of the injury of the person?
(iii) May I have your particulars?
3. It is likely that the person would answer the first question, may not have an answer for the second and hesitate to reply the third in which case it should not be insisted upon. The escorters should, under no circumstances, be detained in the hospital for interrogation. On the other hand, he should be treated with courtesy.
4. At times the District Staff and the PCR vans also delay the removal of the injured to the hospital on account of various jurisdictional formalities or other duties regarding photographs etc. Instructions, therefore, need to be re-iterated once again that even a minor delay can mean a question of life or death for the injured. Without waiting for the photographer etc. the injured has to be removed to the hospital by the quickest means. Even in case of fatal accidents the first effort should be to take the injured to the hospital rather than declaring him dead on the spot by the PCR or the District Staff.
5. It is emphasized that the members of the public, who rendered voluntary help to persons injured in accidents, should not unnecessarily be questioned and detained at police stations. It has been observed that these orders are not being complied with.
6. It is, therefore, once again emphasized upon all concerned that people who bring accident victims to hospitals but treated with utmost courtesy and should not be harassed in any way. Even if they are unwilling to give their particulars, the same should not be insisted upon. "
It is also said in the Rajya sabha bill that the Govt shall ensure that the member of the public who reaches the accident victim to the hospital shall be paid the transportation charges incurred.
The legislation on this subject is long overdue and that is the reason that Rajya Sabha has passed this bill in 2006.
I feel that it is the duty of the media too to make public aware of such rules so that the public come forward to help the victims considering the fact that the no of road accidents in India , especially in Kerala is very alarming. ( I have not looked into the statistics of road accidents in India . But , if you look at the road accidents reported in news papers , I feel that it is alarmingly high)
As far as my opinion goes , even if we are unaware of these rules let us extend our help to the unfortunate victims irrespective of the complications involved in it. After all , accidents can happen to any one .
So.............................
Let us be human .
Road accidents keep happening and you may be wondering why something special about this ?
Read on ...
The news goes like this. In Kottayam , a couple travelling by two wheeler were knocked down by a KSRTC bus. The man was thrown to one side , but survived with minor injuries where as the bus ran over his wife and she got severely injured. The man somehow managed to reach to the spot where his wife was lying on the road. He pleaded for help to the passengers of all the vehicles that passed by . But none bothered about taking them to hospital. Finally after waiting for half an hour , the police reached with ambulance and took them to hospital. The lady , 27 years old , died in the hospital. The man was discharged since he was having only minor injuries. The couple has a small boy. Can any one of us imagine how much that man would have cried and pleaded to take his wife to the hospital ? It is said that if she were rushed to the hospital immediately after the incident , the hospital people probably could have saved her life.
Why everybody who passed by hesitated to take the accident victims to hospital ? It may be , may be because that one cannot just come out after reaching the victim to the hospital. He/she may have to find out his relatives ,contact them , anwer the questions of the police etc etc. But , isnt it that human life is precious than anything else in this world ?
It reminded me about a group mail I received on the supreme court judgement "Right to Emergency ' . I have pasted the copy of mail below.
The Supreme Court in a judgement on Right to Emergency Care, case no Appeal (civil) 919 of 2007 of 23 Feb 2007, has ruled that all injured persons especially in the case of road traffic accidents, assaults, etc., when brought to a hospital or medical centre, have to be offered first aid, stabilized and shifted to a higher centre / government centre if required. It is only after this that the hospital can demand payment or complete police formalities.
In case you are a bystander and wish to help someone in an accident, please go ahead and do so. Your responsibility ends as soon as you leave the person at the hospital. The hospital bears the responsibility of informing the police, providing first aid, etc.
Please do inform your family and friends about these basic rights so that we all know what to expect and what to do in the hour of need.
I searched in google to know whether the judgement is correct. Even checked the website of supremcourt . Supreme court has not passed any judgement on this. It was nothing but a rumour.
I went on with my search in google to find out what the law says about such a situation. I could get two things.
1 . A bill passed by Rajyasabha ( http://rajyasabha.nic.in/bills-ls-rs/2006/LXXXIX_%202006.pdf )
Rajya sabha has passed this bill in Nov 2006 to provide for compulsory medical aid to the victims of accidents by private hospitals and medical practioners and for building confidence amongst the members of public to come forward and help the accident victims.
2. A circular whihc I got from the website of "Department of Road , Transport and Highways" of Govt of India. ( http://morth.nic.in/index2.asp?langid=2&sublinkid=119 )
I have copied and pasted below some of the points from the circular just to emphasize on it.
"It has come to notice that on many occasions, the victims of road side accidents remain unattended for a longer time without medical aid or any help from the members of public till the arrival of police at the spot. The members of the public though basically have got an indifferent attitude in such situations, but due to the unnecessary involvement in the accidental cases, they in turn hesitate to remove the injured to the hospitals to which results in the loss of human life and the image of the police fades in the eyes of the public.
2. Keeping in view the unnecessary loss of human life, it becomes imperative to train our police personnel undergoing training in various courses (induct ional and promotional) on the following lines. The police personnel on duty either in police stations or in the hospital should politely put the following questions to the person who brings the injured to the hospital.
(i) Where have you brought this person?
(ii) Do you know anything about the case of the injury of the person?
(iii) May I have your particulars?
3. It is likely that the person would answer the first question, may not have an answer for the second and hesitate to reply the third in which case it should not be insisted upon. The escorters should, under no circumstances, be detained in the hospital for interrogation. On the other hand, he should be treated with courtesy.
4. At times the District Staff and the PCR vans also delay the removal of the injured to the hospital on account of various jurisdictional formalities or other duties regarding photographs etc. Instructions, therefore, need to be re-iterated once again that even a minor delay can mean a question of life or death for the injured. Without waiting for the photographer etc. the injured has to be removed to the hospital by the quickest means. Even in case of fatal accidents the first effort should be to take the injured to the hospital rather than declaring him dead on the spot by the PCR or the District Staff.
5. It is emphasized that the members of the public, who rendered voluntary help to persons injured in accidents, should not unnecessarily be questioned and detained at police stations. It has been observed that these orders are not being complied with.
6. It is, therefore, once again emphasized upon all concerned that people who bring accident victims to hospitals but treated with utmost courtesy and should not be harassed in any way. Even if they are unwilling to give their particulars, the same should not be insisted upon. "
It is also said in the Rajya sabha bill that the Govt shall ensure that the member of the public who reaches the accident victim to the hospital shall be paid the transportation charges incurred.
The legislation on this subject is long overdue and that is the reason that Rajya Sabha has passed this bill in 2006.
I feel that it is the duty of the media too to make public aware of such rules so that the public come forward to help the victims considering the fact that the no of road accidents in India , especially in Kerala is very alarming. ( I have not looked into the statistics of road accidents in India . But , if you look at the road accidents reported in news papers , I feel that it is alarmingly high)
As far as my opinion goes , even if we are unaware of these rules let us extend our help to the unfortunate victims irrespective of the complications involved in it. After all , accidents can happen to any one .
So.............................
Let us be human .
Saturday, May 17, 2008
School Admission
My son is having his summer vacation now. The school is going to reopen in June. Oh ,that takes me back to the the time when I ran around to get admission for him to LKG.
In Bangalore , getting admission in a reputed school is the most difficult thing. Admission process for the next academic year starts right from the month of September in some schools and in some it could be later, but mostly before Jan itself.
So ,there came the time for running around for admission when my son turned 3.5 years. I discussed with my friends and colleagues to get to know about the so called reputed schools . I applied in two schools, one in Kormangala and one in Indiranagar.
I was staying in Kormangala then , so wanted to put my son in a good school in Koramangala itself. I think , it was end of Novemeber when we got an interview call from the school nearby. Typically ,most of the people who applied dont get even the interview call. I had not received any call from the school in Indiranagar and later came to know that they even closed their admissions. So , I was happy when I received interview call from the school in Koramangala .
Yes , it is the interview for 3.5 year old kid for the next academic year. And remember ,the interview is not just for kid , for parents too.Almost all the good schools in Bangalore insist that both the parents have to be present during the interview.
On the interview day , my son and I walked to the principal's room. Principal (who also is part of the school management) , Head master and one more lady teacher were present inside the room. After the small initial discussion with me about where I stay ,my job etc, the lady teacher in the room took my son two seats away and started asking some questions.Their conversation was not audible to me.Yes, the interview of the kid has started.
The principal and the head master turned towards me for the next set of questions in stock.
Principal : Mam, so , how come your husband did not turn up ?
I : Sir ..Sir..I am a divorcee
Principal : Oh is it ? How long you have been separated ? Are you legally separated ?
I : Yes , Sir.I am legally divorced , a year back.
Principal : Has your child coped up with this ?
I sat tongue tied for a moment as the pain in my heart was finding its way out through my throat and eyes.
I said in a trembing voice , struggling to ensure that the tears dont run down my cheeks
"He has never seen his father. We have been living separately from the 3rd month of my pregnancy , but the divorce was initiated 2 years back only."
Principal : Oh I see. Dont worry. We have quiet a children whose parents are single parents. We give those children special attention as some of them could be a bit emotionally insecure. We even give some nominal discount on the fee too for such children.
I was happy.
Principal : Have you applied in some other schools ?
I : No sir. We live in Kormangala very near to your school .So , I want my son to study here.
Principal : You should try in other schools too. There is a school called "Cathedral". You can try there.
I : Sir. I would like to put him in this school itself as I have heard from my colleagues that this is a good school.My kid being small , I dont want him to go to distant schools.
Principal : Yeah. But you should try in other schools too..
I did not say anything. It was an indirect way of saying that they did not want to give admission to a single parent's child..
Principal added ," We would publish the list of selected students on the school notice board within 2 weeks. You can come and check."
I looked at the side where my son is sitting. His interview was going on !!
Principal asked the teacher ,"Are you done ?"
Teacher , "Yes".
I said "Thank You" and came out of the room with my son. The result was known to me.
My mom was waiting outside.
She asked , "Is the interview over ?"
I : Yes.
Mom : Did he get admission.?
I : They will publish it later. But , I dont think that his name will be there in the list.
Mom : Why?
I narrated the entire conversation. My mom shouted at me " Who asked you to tell the principal that you are a divorcee ? "
I : Amma ..This is not some thing I want to hide from them. Is it a crime to be a divorcee ? They should not later trouble my son asking him about his father.
Amma : You can't be honest every where. Look now ,what has happened?
I : Amma , but what is wrong ?
Amma : These schools think that children of single parents could be emotionally insecure or do not get the care they need from home and due to all these issues the children may underperform in their studies. And they dont want anybody to underperform.
I : Amma , I told the principal that he has not even seen his father. Then where is the question of he being worried about a person whom he has not even seen.
Amma: If you want school admission for your child , dont repeat this mistake. That is all I have to tell you.
I was shattered. I did not know what to do. What kind of a world is this ?
I asked God ," You want to trouble me again and again ? Do you get any sadistic pleasure by hurting me every now and then ?"
Two weeks later , though I had no hope , I went to the school to check the admission list published on the notice board. As expected , my son's name was not there in the list.
I told one of my senior colleagues about this.
He said ," Dont worry about such things yar . Go and get application forms from some more schools.
He gave me a list of schools in the city. The next day , I went and checked with 2 schools in the city. They are old schools , but reputed ones. Their admissions had not started. I collected the applications forms from both the schools.In one of them ,they asked me to give the filled applications form by next day as it was the last day for submitting the filled application. I did so.
This time , I was careful in filling the application form. The application form had fields for filling the names of parents , address , phone numbers etc. No where it had any field for the marital status of the parents. I filled my name and my ex-husband's name .
I thought , "Luckily divorce can only take away the status of being wife or husband and not the status of being mother and father to the child . So , I have not given any wrong information in the application form. This time , I wont add the additional information that we got divorced for which any way no provision exists in the application form."
3 days after submitting the application form, we got interview call from the school in the city. I took some more effort this time to prepare my son for the interview. I ensured that he could sing few rhymes, tell a small story ,identify the colours ,say the English Aphabets and count numbers 1-20.
We went inside the principal's room. Principal and one more lady were there. Principal, smiled looking at both of us.
Principal ," Please come in".
I touched my son from behind and murmured 'Say Good afternoon , say good afternoon'
My son : Good Afternoon Sir
The first sigh of relief for me. Both of us were asked to sit.My son was asked sit next to the madam . I had decided to take an anticipatory bail this time.
As soon as I sat ,
I told the principal,"Sir ,my husband is in Kerala and could not make for this interview as he is busy with some official matters.."
Principal " It is okay "
I was a bit relieved.
Principal asked my son: How are you ?
My son looked at me..
I said with an artificial smile " Come on ,Tell him how you are"
My son , looked down and answered reluctantly : Fine
Principal : How old are you ?
My son again looked at me . I said " Tell". He answered : Three and half years
Principal : Good. What is your mother's name ?
My son murmured again : :xxxxxx"
Principal : What is your father's name ?
My son looked at me , conveying me his helplessness and said in Malayalam to me ,
" Ariyilla Amme ( I dont know) "
All the while he has been answering in English , and for this question , he suddenly switched to Malayalam to tell me that he did not know.
He was in a way conveying me that I had not taught him his father's name. Yes,my mistake. It was my mistake.
I did not know what to say. I sat there like a lifeless creature. Tears were struggling in my eyes to come out. I thought, 'Am I going to fail again?"
It seemed like principal was not bothered about why he did not answer the question.
(I was not sure whether he is a Malayali. In most of the christian schools in Bangalore , there are lots of Malayali teachers.I was thinking , Did he understand what my son told me"?)
Principal asked my son to sing a rhyme. My son sang one rhyme . The lady teacher next to him asked him to identify the colour of her saree.
He said " Yellow".
I sighed. Only one question he could not answer, His father's name .
Principal said ," You can pay the fees for this year tomorrow or within 2 days. "
I could not believe my ears.
I asked , "Sir , is his admission confirmed"
He said smilingly ,"Yes"
I came out with my son. My mom was waiting outside. I was having my 70mm smile on my face and told my mom , " He got selected"
When we reached home , I searched for my wedding Album kept inside my ward robes. I showed the Album to my son.
He asked me , "Amma , what is this ?"
I : These are the photoes taken at the time of my marriage.
He touched the picture of the person who was standing next to me in the photo and asked "Who is he ?"
I said " This is your father. His name is XXXXXXX. Say what is your father's name ?"
My son smiled at me. I could see lot of questions in his eyes..
He asked me " Where is he now ? "
I said ," He is in Kerala. Tell me what his name is .
My son , " XXXX".
I said , "Here after if some body asks your father's name , you should tell "My father's name is XXXX" , Okay ??.
My son nodded his head.
I : Tell me once again "What is your father's name ?"
My son : XXXXX
I : Good.
My son : But Amma , Abhi's father live with him . Akash's father also live with him.So why "XXXXX" is not living with us ?
I was almost into tears by then , but answered ," He is busy there in his office. And not just that Kerala is tooooooo far from here. So he cant come. "
My son did not ask anything further. I tried to change the topic and took him outside where his friends were playing
I also joined them and told all his friends , "Look your friend "XXXXXX" got admission in "xxxxxxx" school.
All of them clapped. My son smiled and clapped his hands. Seeing his smile , i realised that the pain in my heart was fading away and away..
In Bangalore , getting admission in a reputed school is the most difficult thing. Admission process for the next academic year starts right from the month of September in some schools and in some it could be later, but mostly before Jan itself.
So ,there came the time for running around for admission when my son turned 3.5 years. I discussed with my friends and colleagues to get to know about the so called reputed schools . I applied in two schools, one in Kormangala and one in Indiranagar.
I was staying in Kormangala then , so wanted to put my son in a good school in Koramangala itself. I think , it was end of Novemeber when we got an interview call from the school nearby. Typically ,most of the people who applied dont get even the interview call. I had not received any call from the school in Indiranagar and later came to know that they even closed their admissions. So , I was happy when I received interview call from the school in Koramangala .
Yes , it is the interview for 3.5 year old kid for the next academic year. And remember ,the interview is not just for kid , for parents too.Almost all the good schools in Bangalore insist that both the parents have to be present during the interview.
On the interview day , my son and I walked to the principal's room. Principal (who also is part of the school management) , Head master and one more lady teacher were present inside the room. After the small initial discussion with me about where I stay ,my job etc, the lady teacher in the room took my son two seats away and started asking some questions.Their conversation was not audible to me.Yes, the interview of the kid has started.
The principal and the head master turned towards me for the next set of questions in stock.
Principal : Mam, so , how come your husband did not turn up ?
I : Sir ..Sir..I am a divorcee
Principal : Oh is it ? How long you have been separated ? Are you legally separated ?
I : Yes , Sir.I am legally divorced , a year back.
Principal : Has your child coped up with this ?
I sat tongue tied for a moment as the pain in my heart was finding its way out through my throat and eyes.
I said in a trembing voice , struggling to ensure that the tears dont run down my cheeks
"He has never seen his father. We have been living separately from the 3rd month of my pregnancy , but the divorce was initiated 2 years back only."
Principal : Oh I see. Dont worry. We have quiet a children whose parents are single parents. We give those children special attention as some of them could be a bit emotionally insecure. We even give some nominal discount on the fee too for such children.
I was happy.
Principal : Have you applied in some other schools ?
I : No sir. We live in Kormangala very near to your school .So , I want my son to study here.
Principal : You should try in other schools too. There is a school called "Cathedral". You can try there.
I : Sir. I would like to put him in this school itself as I have heard from my colleagues that this is a good school.My kid being small , I dont want him to go to distant schools.
Principal : Yeah. But you should try in other schools too..
I did not say anything. It was an indirect way of saying that they did not want to give admission to a single parent's child..
Principal added ," We would publish the list of selected students on the school notice board within 2 weeks. You can come and check."
I looked at the side where my son is sitting. His interview was going on !!
Principal asked the teacher ,"Are you done ?"
Teacher , "Yes".
I said "Thank You" and came out of the room with my son. The result was known to me.
My mom was waiting outside.
She asked , "Is the interview over ?"
I : Yes.
Mom : Did he get admission.?
I : They will publish it later. But , I dont think that his name will be there in the list.
Mom : Why?
I narrated the entire conversation. My mom shouted at me " Who asked you to tell the principal that you are a divorcee ? "
I : Amma ..This is not some thing I want to hide from them. Is it a crime to be a divorcee ? They should not later trouble my son asking him about his father.
Amma : You can't be honest every where. Look now ,what has happened?
I : Amma , but what is wrong ?
Amma : These schools think that children of single parents could be emotionally insecure or do not get the care they need from home and due to all these issues the children may underperform in their studies. And they dont want anybody to underperform.
I : Amma , I told the principal that he has not even seen his father. Then where is the question of he being worried about a person whom he has not even seen.
Amma: If you want school admission for your child , dont repeat this mistake. That is all I have to tell you.
I was shattered. I did not know what to do. What kind of a world is this ?
I asked God ," You want to trouble me again and again ? Do you get any sadistic pleasure by hurting me every now and then ?"
Two weeks later , though I had no hope , I went to the school to check the admission list published on the notice board. As expected , my son's name was not there in the list.
I told one of my senior colleagues about this.
He said ," Dont worry about such things yar . Go and get application forms from some more schools.
He gave me a list of schools in the city. The next day , I went and checked with 2 schools in the city. They are old schools , but reputed ones. Their admissions had not started. I collected the applications forms from both the schools.In one of them ,they asked me to give the filled applications form by next day as it was the last day for submitting the filled application. I did so.
This time , I was careful in filling the application form. The application form had fields for filling the names of parents , address , phone numbers etc. No where it had any field for the marital status of the parents. I filled my name and my ex-husband's name .
I thought , "Luckily divorce can only take away the status of being wife or husband and not the status of being mother and father to the child . So , I have not given any wrong information in the application form. This time , I wont add the additional information that we got divorced for which any way no provision exists in the application form."
3 days after submitting the application form, we got interview call from the school in the city. I took some more effort this time to prepare my son for the interview. I ensured that he could sing few rhymes, tell a small story ,identify the colours ,say the English Aphabets and count numbers 1-20.
We went inside the principal's room. Principal and one more lady were there. Principal, smiled looking at both of us.
Principal ," Please come in".
I touched my son from behind and murmured 'Say Good afternoon , say good afternoon'
My son : Good Afternoon Sir
The first sigh of relief for me. Both of us were asked to sit.My son was asked sit next to the madam . I had decided to take an anticipatory bail this time.
As soon as I sat ,
I told the principal,"Sir ,my husband is in Kerala and could not make for this interview as he is busy with some official matters.."
Principal " It is okay "
I was a bit relieved.
Principal asked my son: How are you ?
My son looked at me..
I said with an artificial smile " Come on ,Tell him how you are"
My son , looked down and answered reluctantly : Fine
Principal : How old are you ?
My son again looked at me . I said " Tell". He answered : Three and half years
Principal : Good. What is your mother's name ?
My son murmured again : :xxxxxx"
Principal : What is your father's name ?
My son looked at me , conveying me his helplessness and said in Malayalam to me ,
" Ariyilla Amme ( I dont know) "
All the while he has been answering in English , and for this question , he suddenly switched to Malayalam to tell me that he did not know.
He was in a way conveying me that I had not taught him his father's name. Yes,my mistake. It was my mistake.
I did not know what to say. I sat there like a lifeless creature. Tears were struggling in my eyes to come out. I thought, 'Am I going to fail again?"
It seemed like principal was not bothered about why he did not answer the question.
(I was not sure whether he is a Malayali. In most of the christian schools in Bangalore , there are lots of Malayali teachers.I was thinking , Did he understand what my son told me"?)
Principal asked my son to sing a rhyme. My son sang one rhyme . The lady teacher next to him asked him to identify the colour of her saree.
He said " Yellow".
I sighed. Only one question he could not answer, His father's name .
Principal said ," You can pay the fees for this year tomorrow or within 2 days. "
I could not believe my ears.
I asked , "Sir , is his admission confirmed"
He said smilingly ,"Yes"
I came out with my son. My mom was waiting outside. I was having my 70mm smile on my face and told my mom , " He got selected"
When we reached home , I searched for my wedding Album kept inside my ward robes. I showed the Album to my son.
He asked me , "Amma , what is this ?"
I : These are the photoes taken at the time of my marriage.
He touched the picture of the person who was standing next to me in the photo and asked "Who is he ?"
I said " This is your father. His name is XXXXXXX. Say what is your father's name ?"
My son smiled at me. I could see lot of questions in his eyes..
He asked me " Where is he now ? "
I said ," He is in Kerala. Tell me what his name is .
My son , " XXXX".
I said , "Here after if some body asks your father's name , you should tell "My father's name is XXXX" , Okay ??.
My son nodded his head.
I : Tell me once again "What is your father's name ?"
My son : XXXXX
I : Good.
My son : But Amma , Abhi's father live with him . Akash's father also live with him.So why "XXXXX" is not living with us ?
I was almost into tears by then , but answered ," He is busy there in his office. And not just that Kerala is tooooooo far from here. So he cant come. "
My son did not ask anything further. I tried to change the topic and took him outside where his friends were playing
I also joined them and told all his friends , "Look your friend "XXXXXX" got admission in "xxxxxxx" school.
All of them clapped. My son smiled and clapped his hands. Seeing his smile , i realised that the pain in my heart was fading away and away..
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Mother's Day
Tomorrow is May 11th , Mother's day. A day for all the mothers in the world !!!
So , it is my day too, being the mother of my cute son !!!
Motherhood starts from the day the baby is born in her womb..and she needs to prepare herself to welcome the god's gift , her baby..
Years back..
I remember the day I was admitted in the hospital for delivery. The doctors came and checked .
They said " The baby's head is not fixed , still there is time".
They took me to the labour room to monitor the baby's movements and also to know the level of my pain. They put a big belt kind of thing which was connected to the monitor next to me. When they were putting the belt around my stomach , they tried to tighten it.
I said .."Oh , no, dont tighten it like that , it will hurt him.."
The nurse looked at me and laughed.
She said, "We are seeing a mother like this for the first time.Dont get scared like this "
She turned on the monitor and sat about 20 ft away from my cot. She was trying to watch the movement of the spikes on the monitor.Suddenly my son moved around inside my womb to the extent that the nurse could see the movements in my stomach sitting 20 ft away.
I said "Ahh..'..
One side of my stomach , I could see the projection which could be his head .Normally they say towards the delivery the movements would be less. But in my case , it was becoming more as I was nearing my delivery date. He moves around so fast and quickly that it pains and I even feel breathless for seconds..Very naughty he is , right from the day he is born in my womb.
My mother used to say "I have not seen such kind of movements for anybody.."
The nurse said "Yes, Your baby has decided to scare you more.."
I asked her "Do you need this monitor to watch his movements inside the womb. You could as well watch it on my stomach sitting there."
She laughed.I was asked to go back to my room. The next day afternoon , the doctors came again for checking.
They said that I need to be admitted to labour room .
I said' But I dont have any pain"..
Doctor said "You need to be admitted as spotting is seen".
I went to the labour room. The nurse gave me enema. My stomach was cleaned fully. She asked me not to eat anything. I was sent back to my room again. It was around 7 PM.My son continued his circus inside my stomach every now and then giving me moments of pain and breathlessness. The pain was increasing every movement . I was taken to the labour room again. They again tried to check the level of labour pain. The doctor also came this time.
She said "It is not labour pain .It could be due to the movements".
But they asked me to be there in the labour room itself. I was asked to lie on a cot, the level of which was very high. I was having a very big and pendulus abdomen due to which I always used to struggle to even turn from one side to other while lying on the bed. Somehow I managed to climb on the cot and lie down. My pain was getting more and more.It must have been around 9 PM , I wanted to drink something.Finally the nurse allowed me to have a glass of black coffee. Since my pain was more , they again measured the level and the spikes , and again concluded that it is not labour pain.
I was wondering , "if this is not labour pain , what is this" ?
My son was becoming more and more restless , hitting me with his head and legs. Minutes seemed to be hours for me and hours seemed to days.My mom was waiting outside the labour room. I was praying God .Nobody else was there in the labour room other than me , the nurse and one more girl. For her , it is going to be caesarean the next day morning. I was again crying with pain.
The nurse was reading a magazine.
She shouted at me " Why are you crying like this not allowing us to even sleep ?"
I was shocked. She is on night duty and she wants to sleep ?
The nurse continued her magazine reading. The lady lying in the next cot looked at me with sympathy. It must have been around 1 PM .I was not able to tolerate the pain any more.
I called the nurse.."Please , please call the doctor. I am having so much pain.
She came to my cot and looked at me and said "No ,it is not time.I know when to call the doctor"
I kept silent. I was praying God again. It must have been around 2 PM. I was almost into tears due to pain. I requested the nurse to call the duty doctor. The main doctor stays next to the hospital. Only if required , they would call her.
The nurse said "No' to my request. My pain overruled my patience level.
I shouted at her'You need to call the doctor.I cant stand this pain.."
Very reluctantly she called the duty doctor.
I could hear her telling over the phone " The patient here is making lot of noise.Please come to the labour room".
At last the duty doctor arrived. I was all into tears by then. She came and examined me.
The same sentence "No , labour pain has not started ".
I was wondering what does this labour pain mean if all that I am undergoing through is not labour pain.
I asked her why you are telling like this ? I will die .."
She tried to break the membrane and water started flowing.
She said " I am doing this so that your labour pain would start" .
She went back. It must have been 3 PM . I was writhing in pain. Not able to even turn to the other side because of the large abdomen.
I called the nurse " Could please help me to turn to the other side , Please .." I cried.
She came to me and turned me to the other side. I told her to call the doctor again. She refused initially .
I was stubburn.. "Please call the doctor. Do something..I will die. If I cant have normal delivery , take me to operation theatre. Please ..I cant stand this..Please "
She called the doctor again .The duty doctor came. She instructed the nurse to move me to the labour table next to the cot I was lying. They moved me to the table. I was put on drips. The doctor told me that there is medicine in the drips which would help me to have labour pain. The needle went into my hands..I wanted to go to the toilet. They did not allow. They put a tube to take the urine out. It was only pain every where , while putting needle , tube..But it did not affect me as already my pain had reached a level of saturation..
The doctor went back. The nurse was sitting next to me with magazine.I was crying , crying.Slowly the pain increased further.I did not even know that i was crying loudly at times. Time was passing by..
I asked the nurse "When will my baby come out ?".
She said "I dont know,God decides it."
I pleaded her "Then please call doctor and take me to operation theatre .I will die otherwise."
I did not know what was happening and where and all it was paining.After some time the nurse called the doctor .The main doctor also came.I was crying loudly.Looks like something is stuck inside.But not coming out. I tried hard to push .
The doctor said.."You need to push harder.."
I tried my level best again and again..(My mother later told me that she went to the other buiding as she was not able to stand there peacefully hearing me crying..But as she reached the next building , there also my voice was heard..She was chanting "Narayana, Narayana " to have a normal and smooth delivery for me) I was not knowing anything..I must have been crying so loudly that it reached the next building too..At last at 5.44 am , he came out.
The doctor asked me "Do you want a boy or girl"..
I whispered "I know , it is he"..
She asked me "So , you knew it already "..
I said "yes"..
The nurse brought my son to me.I was lying on the labour table. She came to the side of my head and showed my baby.He was so cute.Pink in colour , Bright and big eyes.Normally the new born babies have their eyes closed.But his eyes were wide open.I wanted to touch him.But , i realised that I was so dirty.I gently touched him with the tip of my forefinger.
I smiled..I wanted to tell to the whole world that I have become a mother.
The nurse told me "At last , you smiled"..
I was so happy , so happy that I forgot all the pain I underwent. The doctor told me that they never expected me to have a normal delivery because the baby's head was not fixed and also I was having a huge tummy than normal ( People used to think that I have 2 babies inside my womb).They were planning to move me to operation theatre in the morning had I not delivered by morning.
They asked me "who is waiting outside the labour room "?
I said " My mom..".
They went out along with my baby. I thought of my husband.
After a couple of hours , I was brought to my room. My baby was already there..
I told my mom"Could you please phone "xxxx" (My husband) him and tell him that he has become a father ? I want to see him.."
My mom said "I have already done that"
I looked at my son. His weight was 3.6 Kg..
I thought that my husband would come that day to see my son. He never came to meet me from the 3rd month of my pregnancy. I fought with fate to overcome all the miseries I faced during pregnancy. At least now , will he not have the desire to see his baby ? I was sure that God wont leave me to struggle any more.I thought that he would come running to see his cute baby..
But God was not kind. My husband did not turn up that day.The next day afternoon , he came with his parents.My mom and relatives were there.It must have been 6 months since I met my husband. I looked at him and our baby.
I told him ," I want to speak to you..Please let us have 5 min alone."
His parents and my relatives went outside.
I told him "Our son is cute..He looks like you.."
He looked at my son.
I again said "Please dont go today"..
He said "I need to ..I will speak to you after 2 months'..
I was shocked.
I said "We have become father and mother now. Please dont leave me and our son alone any more. What do you want to speak to me after 2 months? Why cant you tell me now ?"
He said "Now , you are tired..I will tell you once you regain your health after 2 months"
He said looking at the watch "Oh it is time now , I need to go.."
He must have hardly spent 15 min in the hospital. He left.
He left to tell me later over phone that he wanted to live his life the way he wants and was not bothered about what the society says.
He added " Do you know Hilari clinton supported Bill Clinton when the Levensky Scandal was there.If you wanted a father for your son ,you also should have kept quiet.I cannot change my life style for a wife and a son. I have all the freedom to live my life the way I want. ".
I did not know what to tell.. I knew that there was no point in talking.. I was shocked..I was shattered.
Yes, he has all the right and freedom to live the life he wants..But ,does anybody has right to spoil some body else's life ?.
He never came again.I was left all alone with a small baby ..
I have seen mother cats licking their kitten in love ..This man , doesnt he feel any kind of love and affection towards his own blood ? Whom else he can love ?
If motherhood means the world for me , if my baby means more than the world for me , what is fatherhood? I dont know..
My baby and I sailed through everything..
We are happy here in the corner of this world with lots and lots of love for each other..
I wish that we remain mother and son for all the births to come..
So , it is my day too, being the mother of my cute son !!!
Motherhood starts from the day the baby is born in her womb..and she needs to prepare herself to welcome the god's gift , her baby..
Years back..
I remember the day I was admitted in the hospital for delivery. The doctors came and checked .
They said " The baby's head is not fixed , still there is time".
They took me to the labour room to monitor the baby's movements and also to know the level of my pain. They put a big belt kind of thing which was connected to the monitor next to me. When they were putting the belt around my stomach , they tried to tighten it.
I said .."Oh , no, dont tighten it like that , it will hurt him.."
The nurse looked at me and laughed.
She said, "We are seeing a mother like this for the first time.Dont get scared like this "
She turned on the monitor and sat about 20 ft away from my cot. She was trying to watch the movement of the spikes on the monitor.Suddenly my son moved around inside my womb to the extent that the nurse could see the movements in my stomach sitting 20 ft away.
I said "Ahh..'..
One side of my stomach , I could see the projection which could be his head .Normally they say towards the delivery the movements would be less. But in my case , it was becoming more as I was nearing my delivery date. He moves around so fast and quickly that it pains and I even feel breathless for seconds..Very naughty he is , right from the day he is born in my womb.
My mother used to say "I have not seen such kind of movements for anybody.."
The nurse said "Yes, Your baby has decided to scare you more.."
I asked her "Do you need this monitor to watch his movements inside the womb. You could as well watch it on my stomach sitting there."
She laughed.I was asked to go back to my room. The next day afternoon , the doctors came again for checking.
They said that I need to be admitted to labour room .
I said' But I dont have any pain"..
Doctor said "You need to be admitted as spotting is seen".
I went to the labour room. The nurse gave me enema. My stomach was cleaned fully. She asked me not to eat anything. I was sent back to my room again. It was around 7 PM.My son continued his circus inside my stomach every now and then giving me moments of pain and breathlessness. The pain was increasing every movement . I was taken to the labour room again. They again tried to check the level of labour pain. The doctor also came this time.
She said "It is not labour pain .It could be due to the movements".
But they asked me to be there in the labour room itself. I was asked to lie on a cot, the level of which was very high. I was having a very big and pendulus abdomen due to which I always used to struggle to even turn from one side to other while lying on the bed. Somehow I managed to climb on the cot and lie down. My pain was getting more and more.It must have been around 9 PM , I wanted to drink something.Finally the nurse allowed me to have a glass of black coffee. Since my pain was more , they again measured the level and the spikes , and again concluded that it is not labour pain.
I was wondering , "if this is not labour pain , what is this" ?
My son was becoming more and more restless , hitting me with his head and legs. Minutes seemed to be hours for me and hours seemed to days.My mom was waiting outside the labour room. I was praying God .Nobody else was there in the labour room other than me , the nurse and one more girl. For her , it is going to be caesarean the next day morning. I was again crying with pain.
The nurse was reading a magazine.
She shouted at me " Why are you crying like this not allowing us to even sleep ?"
I was shocked. She is on night duty and she wants to sleep ?
The nurse continued her magazine reading. The lady lying in the next cot looked at me with sympathy. It must have been around 1 PM .I was not able to tolerate the pain any more.
I called the nurse.."Please , please call the doctor. I am having so much pain.
She came to my cot and looked at me and said "No ,it is not time.I know when to call the doctor"
I kept silent. I was praying God again. It must have been around 2 PM. I was almost into tears due to pain. I requested the nurse to call the duty doctor. The main doctor stays next to the hospital. Only if required , they would call her.
The nurse said "No' to my request. My pain overruled my patience level.
I shouted at her'You need to call the doctor.I cant stand this pain.."
Very reluctantly she called the duty doctor.
I could hear her telling over the phone " The patient here is making lot of noise.Please come to the labour room".
At last the duty doctor arrived. I was all into tears by then. She came and examined me.
The same sentence "No , labour pain has not started ".
I was wondering what does this labour pain mean if all that I am undergoing through is not labour pain.
I asked her why you are telling like this ? I will die .."
She tried to break the membrane and water started flowing.
She said " I am doing this so that your labour pain would start" .
She went back. It must have been 3 PM . I was writhing in pain. Not able to even turn to the other side because of the large abdomen.
I called the nurse " Could please help me to turn to the other side , Please .." I cried.
She came to me and turned me to the other side. I told her to call the doctor again. She refused initially .
I was stubburn.. "Please call the doctor. Do something..I will die. If I cant have normal delivery , take me to operation theatre. Please ..I cant stand this..Please "
She called the doctor again .The duty doctor came. She instructed the nurse to move me to the labour table next to the cot I was lying. They moved me to the table. I was put on drips. The doctor told me that there is medicine in the drips which would help me to have labour pain. The needle went into my hands..I wanted to go to the toilet. They did not allow. They put a tube to take the urine out. It was only pain every where , while putting needle , tube..But it did not affect me as already my pain had reached a level of saturation..
The doctor went back. The nurse was sitting next to me with magazine.I was crying , crying.Slowly the pain increased further.I did not even know that i was crying loudly at times. Time was passing by..
I asked the nurse "When will my baby come out ?".
She said "I dont know,God decides it."
I pleaded her "Then please call doctor and take me to operation theatre .I will die otherwise."
I did not know what was happening and where and all it was paining.After some time the nurse called the doctor .The main doctor also came.I was crying loudly.Looks like something is stuck inside.But not coming out. I tried hard to push .
The doctor said.."You need to push harder.."
I tried my level best again and again..(My mother later told me that she went to the other buiding as she was not able to stand there peacefully hearing me crying..But as she reached the next building , there also my voice was heard..She was chanting "Narayana, Narayana " to have a normal and smooth delivery for me) I was not knowing anything..I must have been crying so loudly that it reached the next building too..At last at 5.44 am , he came out.
The doctor asked me "Do you want a boy or girl"..
I whispered "I know , it is he"..
She asked me "So , you knew it already "..
I said "yes"..
The nurse brought my son to me.I was lying on the labour table. She came to the side of my head and showed my baby.He was so cute.Pink in colour , Bright and big eyes.Normally the new born babies have their eyes closed.But his eyes were wide open.I wanted to touch him.But , i realised that I was so dirty.I gently touched him with the tip of my forefinger.
I smiled..I wanted to tell to the whole world that I have become a mother.
The nurse told me "At last , you smiled"..
I was so happy , so happy that I forgot all the pain I underwent. The doctor told me that they never expected me to have a normal delivery because the baby's head was not fixed and also I was having a huge tummy than normal ( People used to think that I have 2 babies inside my womb).They were planning to move me to operation theatre in the morning had I not delivered by morning.
They asked me "who is waiting outside the labour room "?
I said " My mom..".
They went out along with my baby. I thought of my husband.
After a couple of hours , I was brought to my room. My baby was already there..
I told my mom"Could you please phone "xxxx" (My husband) him and tell him that he has become a father ? I want to see him.."
My mom said "I have already done that"
I looked at my son. His weight was 3.6 Kg..
I thought that my husband would come that day to see my son. He never came to meet me from the 3rd month of my pregnancy. I fought with fate to overcome all the miseries I faced during pregnancy. At least now , will he not have the desire to see his baby ? I was sure that God wont leave me to struggle any more.I thought that he would come running to see his cute baby..
But God was not kind. My husband did not turn up that day.The next day afternoon , he came with his parents.My mom and relatives were there.It must have been 6 months since I met my husband. I looked at him and our baby.
I told him ," I want to speak to you..Please let us have 5 min alone."
His parents and my relatives went outside.
I told him "Our son is cute..He looks like you.."
He looked at my son.
I again said "Please dont go today"..
He said "I need to ..I will speak to you after 2 months'..
I was shocked.
I said "We have become father and mother now. Please dont leave me and our son alone any more. What do you want to speak to me after 2 months? Why cant you tell me now ?"
He said "Now , you are tired..I will tell you once you regain your health after 2 months"
He said looking at the watch "Oh it is time now , I need to go.."
He must have hardly spent 15 min in the hospital. He left.
He left to tell me later over phone that he wanted to live his life the way he wants and was not bothered about what the society says.
He added " Do you know Hilari clinton supported Bill Clinton when the Levensky Scandal was there.If you wanted a father for your son ,you also should have kept quiet.I cannot change my life style for a wife and a son. I have all the freedom to live my life the way I want. ".
I did not know what to tell.. I knew that there was no point in talking.. I was shocked..I was shattered.
Yes, he has all the right and freedom to live the life he wants..But ,does anybody has right to spoil some body else's life ?.
He never came again.I was left all alone with a small baby ..
I have seen mother cats licking their kitten in love ..This man , doesnt he feel any kind of love and affection towards his own blood ? Whom else he can love ?
If motherhood means the world for me , if my baby means more than the world for me , what is fatherhood? I dont know..
My baby and I sailed through everything..
We are happy here in the corner of this world with lots and lots of love for each other..
I wish that we remain mother and son for all the births to come..
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
My travel to office in company bus
Yesterday when I got down from my company bus at my stop , the boy who opened the door said something in a hurry..I could hear only one thing "12 min before"..Before I could hear the full sentence the bus started. In fact the driver is new ,the boy also is new ..So they did not know that I have to get down at that place..So first I thought that they wanted me to tell them about my stop a couple of min before. But I recollected what the boy said "12 min" before..Suddenly it struck me. Has the company admin changed the bus timings ? I used to get into the bus from my stop at 8'0 clock. Is the bus going to arrive at my stop 12 min earlier ? Anyway I decided to go to the stop earlier .
So today I reached the bus stop at 7.45. I might have waited there for 1 min. Yes, there comes my bus. I got into the bus.
I asked the boy who was standing on the foot board "Why did you change the timings today?"
The boy said 'It is going to be like this everyday".
I : Oh is it ? But why ?
Boy : Admin has instructed us to reach the office by 8.15 am.
I : I looked at the lady sitting next to me and smiled ..( In fact , in that smile there were all other emotions other than the smile ). She also smiled at me. The lady sitting in the next seat smiled at both of us. What must have been there in that smile ? Same emotions as mine..Could not be anyway different..
I was cursing the company. The office timing is from 8.30 to 6 PM. But the bus starts only at 6.15 in the evening. So, with this we would be working from 8.15 to 6.15 ie 10 hours mandatorily we need to spend time there. I cursed myself for not learning driving even after having these many years of work experience. In fact , even the fresh engineers come by car. What a shame for a manager ?
In fact , it is not that I did not attempt learning. Ofcourse , 2 times I joined the driving school and donated some money also to them. But could not continue the classes for various reasons. A third attempt , ofcourse it is there in my mind..But , still time has not come..Dont know when.My mom even threatened me last year that if you are not learning driving , then I would go for it..
I could not curse the company and myself for too long , suddenly one song interrupted the curses and thoughts..Oh which is this song ? "Soldier , soldier , meetti bathem bolke dil mera chura le gaya..." How come this guy is playing this song ? Either they play new songs or very old songs in the bus..This one ,dont fall into those categories..Sometime back , this was one of the songs I used to sing when I climb up / down the stairs of my working women's hostel..Ofcourse not so nostalgic about the life in hostel..Was anyway not so good..But it reminded me one thing. When was the last time I sang 2 lines of a song of this kind ? No , it must have been years and years..The song was again hitting my ears .It did not want to leave me like that. What do these lines mean ? Some body stole my heart by sweet talk..Good.The song is all about "love". If there had not been an emotion called 'love' there would not have been these beautiful songs on love. Love is good if it is true , if it is unconditional , if it is real ..But is it there? Something started aching inside my heart ..Something started hitting my throat ? The me inside , the sensitive and dreamy me , want to cry .. Have I ever heard the voice of love ? No , never ..
I told me , stop these thoughts ..Suddenly the next song came to my rescue ..Oh nayyo , nayyo, nayyo.. The fast number from the same film , soldier. My legs and hands can never resist the temptation to move in rhythm to these fast numbers , be it years back or now..It was slowly changing my mood..But ofcourse I cant dance inside my bus..I was trying to recollect the steps of this song , Preeti Zinda and Bobby deol dancing to the tunes of this fast number. Finally I reisted the temptation to dance by gently tapping on my mobile to the tunes . Then came the next song..Must be from the same film. But I dont recollect. End of it , yes , the bus reached office.
Oh , the day begins at office . I need to put the tag on ( One thing I hate ..You know why ? It is a secret . First of all its colour has got faded . Ofcourse I can get another one. But this stupid blue tag dont suit the colour of most of my dresses . Chey , it does not look good then :-) ).
But the security wont let me in. So , I put on the tag. Yes , now I have that identity. I entered the building. Entered my wing. The swiping machine beeped as I swiped my card.I looked at the time.Oh it is 8.06 . We reached so fast to office..The day began..........
Was late to leave office..It was 7.45 pm when I left the office..
Feelings sleepy..Let me stop the nonsense here..
So today I reached the bus stop at 7.45. I might have waited there for 1 min. Yes, there comes my bus. I got into the bus.
I asked the boy who was standing on the foot board "Why did you change the timings today?"
The boy said 'It is going to be like this everyday".
I : Oh is it ? But why ?
Boy : Admin has instructed us to reach the office by 8.15 am.
I : I looked at the lady sitting next to me and smiled ..( In fact , in that smile there were all other emotions other than the smile ). She also smiled at me. The lady sitting in the next seat smiled at both of us. What must have been there in that smile ? Same emotions as mine..Could not be anyway different..
I was cursing the company. The office timing is from 8.30 to 6 PM. But the bus starts only at 6.15 in the evening. So, with this we would be working from 8.15 to 6.15 ie 10 hours mandatorily we need to spend time there. I cursed myself for not learning driving even after having these many years of work experience. In fact , even the fresh engineers come by car. What a shame for a manager ?
In fact , it is not that I did not attempt learning. Ofcourse , 2 times I joined the driving school and donated some money also to them. But could not continue the classes for various reasons. A third attempt , ofcourse it is there in my mind..But , still time has not come..Dont know when.My mom even threatened me last year that if you are not learning driving , then I would go for it..
I could not curse the company and myself for too long , suddenly one song interrupted the curses and thoughts..Oh which is this song ? "Soldier , soldier , meetti bathem bolke dil mera chura le gaya..." How come this guy is playing this song ? Either they play new songs or very old songs in the bus..This one ,dont fall into those categories..Sometime back , this was one of the songs I used to sing when I climb up / down the stairs of my working women's hostel..Ofcourse not so nostalgic about the life in hostel..Was anyway not so good..But it reminded me one thing. When was the last time I sang 2 lines of a song of this kind ? No , it must have been years and years..The song was again hitting my ears .It did not want to leave me like that. What do these lines mean ? Some body stole my heart by sweet talk..Good.The song is all about "love". If there had not been an emotion called 'love' there would not have been these beautiful songs on love. Love is good if it is true , if it is unconditional , if it is real ..But is it there? Something started aching inside my heart ..Something started hitting my throat ? The me inside , the sensitive and dreamy me , want to cry .. Have I ever heard the voice of love ? No , never ..
I told me , stop these thoughts ..Suddenly the next song came to my rescue ..Oh nayyo , nayyo, nayyo.. The fast number from the same film , soldier. My legs and hands can never resist the temptation to move in rhythm to these fast numbers , be it years back or now..It was slowly changing my mood..But ofcourse I cant dance inside my bus..I was trying to recollect the steps of this song , Preeti Zinda and Bobby deol dancing to the tunes of this fast number. Finally I reisted the temptation to dance by gently tapping on my mobile to the tunes . Then came the next song..Must be from the same film. But I dont recollect. End of it , yes , the bus reached office.
Oh , the day begins at office . I need to put the tag on ( One thing I hate ..You know why ? It is a secret . First of all its colour has got faded . Ofcourse I can get another one. But this stupid blue tag dont suit the colour of most of my dresses . Chey , it does not look good then :-) ).
But the security wont let me in. So , I put on the tag. Yes , now I have that identity. I entered the building. Entered my wing. The swiping machine beeped as I swiped my card.I looked at the time.Oh it is 8.06 . We reached so fast to office..The day began..........
Was late to leave office..It was 7.45 pm when I left the office..
Feelings sleepy..Let me stop the nonsense here..
Monday, March 24, 2008
My son and I
Two days back my cousin sister visited us with her husband. She is newly married..and her marriage was love cum arranged marriage..
After they went , my son asked me.. Is he a good guy ?
I said : Yes , ofcourse !!!
My son : Where is she living now?
I : In her husband's house..
My son : Did you also live in .....'s house (name not included ) when you got married to him ?
I : Yes..For some days..
Son : After that??
I : After that he left me..
Son : Why did he leave you ?
I : He does not want to live with me
Son : Why did he marry you if he does not like you ?
I : I dont know..
Son : Amma , I want a person..( He means he wants a father )..a good person..
I : Why do you need ?
Son : I need..( He does not know to explain the reason behind his need)
I : Okay,, Even I need a person who loves both of us
Son : Amma , did that person reply to your message ..
( He is referring to the message I sent to one profile in one matrimony website..We two together sit in front of matrimony site to find out if there are any prospective grooms..May be , the first of its kind..My son looks at the photo , his job ,his age and then we decide whether we can expresss our interest in that person..)
I : He did not ..Looks like he has read our message
Son : Amma ..I know why he has not replied
I : Why.?
Son : Amma , now you have 3 ,4 pimple marks on your face .
I : Oh..Is it :-) ?( I could not control my laughter ) Is that the reason ?? But this has come up recently only..It is not there in my photo posted in the website
Son : Oh..That is correct ..Then why he did not reply ?
I : Oh..Dont worry about it.. Let us wait for a person who likes both you and me..If we dont get forget about it..I am there for you..We will go for shopping ,outing , picnic..So we will have fun
Son : Amma, still....I need a person..
Okay..Let us wait and see..
After they went , my son asked me.. Is he a good guy ?
I said : Yes , ofcourse !!!
My son : Where is she living now?
I : In her husband's house..
My son : Did you also live in .....'s house (name not included ) when you got married to him ?
I : Yes..For some days..
Son : After that??
I : After that he left me..
Son : Why did he leave you ?
I : He does not want to live with me
Son : Why did he marry you if he does not like you ?
I : I dont know..
Son : Amma , I want a person..( He means he wants a father )..a good person..
I : Why do you need ?
Son : I need..( He does not know to explain the reason behind his need)
I : Okay,, Even I need a person who loves both of us
Son : Amma , did that person reply to your message ..
( He is referring to the message I sent to one profile in one matrimony website..We two together sit in front of matrimony site to find out if there are any prospective grooms..May be , the first of its kind..My son looks at the photo , his job ,his age and then we decide whether we can expresss our interest in that person..)
I : He did not ..Looks like he has read our message
Son : Amma ..I know why he has not replied
I : Why.?
Son : Amma , now you have 3 ,4 pimple marks on your face .
I : Oh..Is it :-) ?( I could not control my laughter ) Is that the reason ?? But this has come up recently only..It is not there in my photo posted in the website
Son : Oh..That is correct ..Then why he did not reply ?
I : Oh..Dont worry about it.. Let us wait for a person who likes both you and me..If we dont get forget about it..I am there for you..We will go for shopping ,outing , picnic..So we will have fun
Son : Amma, still....I need a person..
Okay..Let us wait and see..
Saturday, February 16, 2008
My first blog
Yes. I created a blog today. This is my first blog.
Today was hectic. Was in the bank till afternoon..Yeah went there a bit late. Had to argue a bit with the executive as I had to go for the third time for the closure of the loan. Was really hungry once I left the bank..Had a juice from the juice shop near by..Got a magazine and came home...
Now a days I feel so bad ..I am searching for peace..yes. I have been searching for so many years..Did not find any where..Still not given up hope ,okay..One day I believe , peace will reach me..with all its truthfulness and love ...I am sure..
Today was hectic. Was in the bank till afternoon..Yeah went there a bit late. Had to argue a bit with the executive as I had to go for the third time for the closure of the loan. Was really hungry once I left the bank..Had a juice from the juice shop near by..Got a magazine and came home...
Now a days I feel so bad ..I am searching for peace..yes. I have been searching for so many years..Did not find any where..Still not given up hope ,okay..One day I believe , peace will reach me..with all its truthfulness and love ...I am sure..
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