Life goes on

It has been long time since I scribbled something here..

I was too busy with many things both at home and office .Did not get time at all to pen down something..

Nothing has changed much..I shifted to my new flat in Apr 09. It was hectic infact. I had to run around to get things done---and finally we moved. Appu and I went to Trivandrum for a short trip. We stayed there for 2 days and came back. My son's school re-opened..Not sure why he has become very disobedient now a days.May be because he does not have many friends here in the new flat unlike my earlier rented one. In fact, he is infront of computers all the time. I had to disable the broad band connection finally ..Still he has not improved much..I tried all the parenting tricks I know .Nothing is working..

About a month back , while appu and I were in a restaurant , he asked me ," If I get first prize in Maths Olympiad , will my photo come in the news paper?"

I said ," May be. Why did you ask?"

Appu," If my photo comes in paper and if "xxx" ( he calls his dad by his name..whom he has never ever seen) sees it, will he come to my school to see me ?"

I got stunned..But slowly I asked,"Do you wish to see him?"

Appu ," Tell me whether he will come or not"

I "I dont know Appu..He never came so far. How do you expect him to come now ? I dont think that he would. First of all , he wont even know that the boy in the photo is his own son as he has never seen you.By the way why do you want to see him when he never ever bothered about us so far"

Appu,"Amma , he may come..It may be simply your feeling that he is bad"

I again got stunned. I realised that there was no point in arguing. He wants to see his father..It is as simple as that. But his father does not feel so.

Appu ,"Do you know where he is ?"

I ,"I dont know.He may be there in the same old place where he works"

Appu ,"Ammamma ( my mother) said that some body told her that he got married again"

I ,"I dont know Appu. It could be a rumour. In fact , as far as I know , he does not want to get married to any body.He prefers to live alone enjoying all his freedom"

Appu did not ask me anything more..

How do I tell my son that his father never ever bothered to even touch his baby when he came down to hospital under the pressure of his parents soon after my delivery . He returned my baby's cute photographs when I sent them to him thinking that it might cause some change in his brutal mind. He shouted at me ruthlessly when I begged him to come for my son's "chorun" ceremony . He never even bothered to look at my cute 2-year son toddling around in the family court when we went for divorce.. How do i tell my son all these ?

How do I explain that his father values " freedom to live the life the way he wants" than any other commitments ?

I realised that inspite of my all effort to play the roles of both mother and father, my son wants his father. I wont blame him. He is growing up. He needs a father's presence more than a mother. One who could play with him football , cricket , have pillow fights etc etc..Me as a mother is probably not successful now to play the role of father too..

It is tough for single parents to bring up their kids..It is tough. May be , after 1 or 2 years , my son would understand me better ...